Oh honey…

I recently had my first experience in having my own intern, which was educational for (I hope) both of us.  This was a young woman who had been interested in volunteering with my organization, but since she was in school, we agreed to call it an internship.  I was thrilled to have help!  Running all marketing and communications for an organization on your own can be a lot some days.  Most days.  So I was excited.

My intern was very quiet but enthusiastic.  As she was planning to be around for a while, I created a curriculum and outcomes that we would be working toward, which would encompass a wide range of communications skills and duties.

About a month into the internship, I asked her to help me with making follow-up calls to businesses and community partners from whom we were seeking donations.  This did not turn out to be her strong suit.  The day after her first attempt (during which I was on hand to help,) I received an email from her stating that making phone calls was not the kind of experience she was looking for. She continued by saying that she plans to go into event/advertising and felt that doing the social media posts was a better use of her time.  We weren’t paying her or anything, so that was fine.  I was happy to let her work on what she wanted.

I had also asked her to outline some of her career goals so that I could make sure the experience she was receiving lined up.  She plans to become a business owner, doing events and advertising for herself and her business.

Another month or two into the internship she decided she didn’t have enough time and resigned.

So that was that saga.  The point of this post however, is this: Oh honey.  It’s cute you think your life is going to go as planned.

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My senior year of high school, I knew I was going to be a French teacher.  I went to college for Political Science.  I knew was going to be a lobbyist and live in DC.

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Yeah, didn’t use that degree either.

I graduated and went to grad school for Religious Studies.  I knew I was going to be a professor.  So I went and got a Master’s with the intention to get a PhD.  Due to academic burnout and a lack of funding, that didn’t happen either.  Then I got an MBA in Human Resources and knew that was going to be my career.  It’s been three years now and I have zero intention of going into Human Resources.  This may sound a bit haphazard, but it really came down to taking the opportunities that presented themselves.  I love where I ended up, but I didn’t specifically plan or prepare for it.

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Dressing up as Professor Trelawney does not help you predict the future

I was able to take the opportunities that came along because I said yes to a variety of experiences and opportunities before that.  My haphazard education allowed me to develop an ease in writing and an ability to speak competently and confidently to a wide variety of people.  My varied job experiences (camp counselor, ice cream scooper, dance teacher, preschool teacher, child care worker, hotel front desk worker, volunteer coordinator, cafeteria worker, bank teller, admin assistant) each taught me something different, and I’m grateful for all of it. Even working as a bank teller for Wells Fargo, which wasn’t stellar, taught me that I truly hate sales.  But it also taught me how to be salesperson, a skill that has come in handy in other (more ethical) ways.

So, dear intern, I would encourage you to reconsider next time you turn down the opportunity for experience, even (especially) one that takes you out of your comfort zone.  Do you imagine you will never need to call a stranger and ask them for something?  I can tell you right now that running events and advertising involve a lot of cold contacts.  Experience is experience.  You never know when you will need it. You’d be surprised what kinds of skills might come in handy.   Life will most likely not go according to your plan, not exactly.  I hope that life goes so much better than you could have ever planned for, and that you have been open to all the things that will prepare you for it, despite never knowing  precisely where you’re heading.

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Wait, when did I become an adult?

If you google “impostor syndrome,” you get a page full of results saying that everyone deals with this and suggestions for combating it.  This is also what comes up when you google “not quite impostor syndrome,” which is what I did this morning.  I don’t know a term for the way I feel.  Impostor syndrome is defined as “individuals who are marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a ‘fraud'” (according to Wikipedia.)  Which a lot of people do struggle with.  But that’s not what I’ve been feeling.  I don’t doubt that I am qualified for the work that I am doing.  I am proud of and deeply attached to my accomplishments.  The work I do and the results I see give me a lot of satisfaction and a feeling of purpose.  But I don’t have any idea how I got here.

There are days I feel like I woke up in someone else’s life. A grown-up’s life.  And I don’t know how it happened.  When did I become someone with a career?  With meaningful work?  With opinions and thoughts that other people care about?  When did I become a peer and not just some kid who works here?  It bewilders me.

I began thinking about this a few weeks ago when I took a meeting with a new marketing coordinator for a local transportation company.  She was looking for ways to partner to serve people with transportation challenges in our area.  The meeting was interesting and some good ideas were thrown around.  But then I mentioned a few projects I had worked on and she suddenly started taking notes.  She asked me for ideas and I was able to give them to her.  I was able to share resources with her that she had never heard of.  I left that meeting feeling for the first time like I had been a mentor to someone.  It was surreal.

Me…and also Me:

The HR director at my organization is someone that I get along with really well.  I often go sit in her office and we chat.  And she asks me how I would handle difficult situations between employees and listens when I answer!  She has told me that she considers us mutual mentors.  I love this.  I love being taken seriously.  I have no idea when this happened.

When I get together with my friends, we talk about work and our homes and financial woes.  We also talk about our relationships like we always have, but it is no longer the drama of dating.  It is the quiet and everyday drama of marriage and in-laws and bosses and coworkers.  Last Christmas I was talking mortgages with my little brother.  When did this happen?

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My little brother (1995)

As it always does, writing helps me to process.  As I have been writing this, I began thinking about when this change started to sink in.  I think it was about two years ago that I began to actually internalize the change.  My life went through a huge upheaval two years ago.  When the dust settled, a lot of my old patterns and even my old sense of self had fallen away.  Been shattered, really.  And thank god.  They weren’t healthy.  But what remained was the person I was supposed to be in the first place.  The person I had always been but hid behind ditzy flirtatiousness, extroverted chattiness, and never-ending cheerfulness.  I was happy, but I was only superficially me.  I wasn’t joyful, and I wasn’t content.  I am now.

I allow others to see more fully the person I want to be and am trying every day to realize more fully.  The responsible, intelligent, sarcastic, serious-minded, still cheerful, clever, and hopefully kind woman I was intended to be.  I think that is what people have begun to respond to.  I take myself seriously and treat myself like an adult now.  Only took 30 years.  Others are then able to do the same.

I’m not done yet, of course.  I’m only 30 and I think maybe have only just begun to see what I can do.

Years ago, I met a nun named Sister Peggy.  She was one of the most remarkable people I have ever met.  She was in her 70’s and had lived an incredible life dedicated to God and to serving others.  I could have sat at her feet and learned from her for the rest of my life and been content.  She told the group of us that were with her that day that at 70-something, she was still not fully herself.  Still not fully “Peggy.”  I think I begin to understand her.  She was still just beginning to see what she could do.  I hope I keep that same feeling of exploration and expectation.

I wasn’t expecting this piece to be quite so serious.  Funny how these things happen.  I don’t know what you believe about God and the universe and everything, but for me, I believe that we were created with limitless gifts.  I look forward to the continual realization of these gifts in myself and others. Thanks for reading along with me as I figure this out.

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